Noir means black in French, but in the US, it conjures up images of Bogart in a trench coat, solving a mystery...but that's what what I wrote. I wrote a crime novel. The lead character commits a crime, and through his decisions, makes it worse for himself, until the bleak ending. The idea came to me about 5 or so years ago and I made a start at it about four years ago, and it sputtered and faded before I could finish the first act. At first, I thought it had to be because it was a poor idea, but in time, going over it in my head, I put the pieces together and got what I wanted to do with the story.
However, as I wrote it, I spent a lot of time inside the lead character's head. How he justified his actions, how he saw himself as the good guy as he did horrible things and how his decision making kept getting more compromised as the story went on. This may not have been one of my better decisions for my own mental well-being, seeing as how I had to see some terrible things from the point of view of someone who justified them.
Cognitive dissonance sucks, yo.
It probably also didn't help that someone I thought I was quite close to and had spent a lot of time with, just dropped me from their life. Just like that. No explanation, no reason, and the last thing she said was that she missed me “already” and would be contacting me in a day or so.
Then, radio silence. I found out through second hand means that she pretty much decided to get back together with her XBF, and just kind of left me in the lurch, thinking I'd be “on hold” while she saw if that relationship worked out this time. Kind of thinking I deserve it, but that's because I have self esteem lower than can be calculated by modern mathematics. Still...makes me feel like a complete fool, and makes me want to curl up into a ball and just not do anything but work, watch TV and read. Maybe that's the best course for this go-round.
The plan with the novel now it to let it rest, maybe go back and toy with my two detective novels for a couple of months, then do the big rewrite on this thing when my head is screwed on a little straighter. The plan for my life is...well, just keep working, keep looking for a decent job and keep to myself..and hopefully *I* won't fuck me over.